hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
