there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
You may now shotgun with the bride
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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