Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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