Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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