who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
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