im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
