My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Your cock deserves a montage
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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