just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Dear god my vagina.
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