i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize