guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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