hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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