Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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