Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
