I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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