there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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