Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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