There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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