I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
