so that wasnt chicken after all
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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