Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize