Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
