Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
