so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
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