So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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