Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
