In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
