I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
