you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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