worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
