summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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