I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
