In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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