i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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