you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
