I just saw a hot homeless man
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
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