I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
