My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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