dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
