i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
