I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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