I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
