She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
