i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
