I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Randomize
