If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Dicks are not precious.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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