I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
