Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
