Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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