I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
