Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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