Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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