sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
well, you know. whores of a feather.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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