you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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