We named our party play list daddy issues
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
