Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
