Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
