My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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