The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Randomize
