Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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