I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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