My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
