She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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