But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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