You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
