i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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