I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
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